Wednesday
28 Jul

 

Two women were playing golf. 

 

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole. 

 

The ball hit one of the men. 

 

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony. 

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist,
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 

'Oh, no, I'll be all right.  I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
 
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin. 

 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. 

 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
 
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
'How does that feel'? 

'Feels great,' he replied,
'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

 

 

 

Monday
26 Jul

 

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation,
get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

 

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and i
s asked if she has any last words.  She says,
"I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe
in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent"

 

They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

 

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law and I believe
in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

 

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, hey all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

 

The last one a blonde, is strapped in and says,
"Well, I'm from "Mississippi State University"
and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now,

ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

 

 

Sunday
25 Jul
(OK ladies, you can stop laughing)

 

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied..
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,
everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and
I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and
snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs,
such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts
might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know.
I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those,
but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied,
"But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off.
The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me.
I feel so alone. "

God thought for a moment and said,
"You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that stuff about the rib?

 

 

Friday
23 Jul

 

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put
his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and
asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and
that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out,
the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and
finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said,
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and
the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment,
and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and
couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would behave like that,
so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

The Policeman nervously replied,
'He's just found a bomb.'