Wednesday
10 Mar

 

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.

"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

 

 

Monday
8 Mar

 

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and
asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good 8-track player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'

 

 

Sunday
7 Mar

 

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.?

He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him...?

At that instant the Atheist cried out,?
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent..

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years,
teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'?
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light,
'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw,
brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:?

'Lord bless this food,
which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord,
Amen.'

 

Friday
5 Mar
(Isn't this a great country)

 

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare.

 

At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

 

So I explained to her that my Dog is mix in color, unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.
He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care,
and feel guilty because he is a dog.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

 

He gets his first check Friday.